BROKEN AT HEART

Let me be very clear - there are broken hearts…..and then there are BROKEN hearts…...

I was certain I was having a heart attack, but how could that be possible?

I was not even 40 years old, a long distance runner my whole life and fit as a fiddle. But here I was on my way to a cardiac specialist who was recommended by my concerned doctor. I had been suffering from extreme heart palpations, terrible chest pains, dizziness, naeusia, for months. I acknowledged I was under extreme stress and living in the flight and fight response due to my then husbands bad behaviours, terrible surprises, emotional abuse, threats and neglect but this was more than that.
My mind was strong, it had to be for my sake, my children's sakes, but my heart was packing it in. I was convinced this was it, my time was up, that this was going to be the way I would go out, like a tiny muffled whimper, alone in my car, in a dark and dirty car park, alone, clutching my stinging chest with no one around to notice or care to try and save me. I remember sitting in the car and what was going through my mind was that marvellous final stanza from the poem The Hollow Men by TS Eliot

This is the way the world ends

This is the way the world ends

This is the way the world ends….

Not with a bang but a whimper

As time goes on, we evolve and subconsciously begin to layer ourselves in a protective coating, shielding ourselves "just in case" we come under attack from some horrible circumstance or situation. I like to call it "being well seasoned".

Broken heart symptoms, such as chest tightness and shortness of breath, can seem like a heart attack. The problem happens when psychological distress triggers sudden weakness of the heart muscle. It can be caused by sudden shock or acute anxiety. Doctors call it “stress-induced cardiomyopathy.” Yep its a real thing and it is painful and scary and it can even kill you.
I lived that way for the best part of two years, from 40 until 42 until I finally ended my marriage or should I say the universe ended it for me.
Did my loving and concerned husband drive me and attend my doctors appointment all concerned and worried? No. Did he call and ask how I was going? No. Did he go to the gym? Yes. Did he go to see his mistress that day? you can bet that he did. Just as he did when I was in a dangerous situation with a threatening premature delivery with our third child and again when I was hospitalised with our very sick 8 week old baby daughter. Find the whole story in "COUNTING FEATHERS".
And that sums up my marriage and how it came to pass that I was told that I was in fact suffering from a broken heart. I never like the dead weight I was carrying.

All our hopes and dreams were in my wheelbarrow until you tipped it upside down with your words.
But it's ok because I never did like the weight I was carrying in it.

Now, let me be very clear, there are broken hearts and then there are BROKEN HEARTS.
The later feels like nothing you have ever experienced before. Basically you cannot sleep eat, walk, talk or do anything, your heart is pounding through your chest bone. Everything is a struggle and it's beyond agonising to do anything but sleep. With 4 young children and a wayward husband and no family help, there was zero chance of rest for me, if you can manage that for a short while you will eventually recover, but when you have to keep pushing, keep looking after young childrens needs and demands, when there is no time to grieve, no time to be alone, no time to process your situation and its constant go go go, something eventually breaks, and sadly it's your heart.
Your brain registers the emotional pain of heartbreak in the same way as physical pain so rest is essential. You become fatigued because of an increase in your heart rate and blood pressure, this makes your heart work faster, makes your blood sticky, and ruins your immune system,"
I can honestly say its beyond the most exhausting and painful place to be under normal circumstances, but to be heartbroken AND abused is excruciating.

Life of course is all about learning, and that's ok, that's normal, we have our first little taste of heartbreaks in adolescents, we battle through and grow a tougher shell.
But there are some breakups that really knock the wind out of you. Ones that are full of betrayal, deciet and abusive are right at the top. The death of a spouse is up there also, and other heartbreaks such as the loss of anyone close to you and anything that meant something to you.

“Experiencing sadness and anger can

make you feel more creative,

and by being creative you can get

beyond your pain or negativity.”

Yoko Ono began her artistic pursuits in New York City. She met John Lennon of the Beatles in November 1966, when he visited a preview of her exhibition at a gallery in London. They married in March 1969 and collaborated on art, film and musical projects until 1980, when Lennon was shot by a deranged fan. Ono has continued her art career as well as efforts to honor Lennon's memory, starting the LennonOno Grant for Peace award in 2002.

But as time goes on we evolve and subconsciously begin to layer ourselves in a protective coating, shielding ourselves "just in case" we come under attack from some horrible circumstance or situation. I like to call it "becoming well seasoned".
When your well seasoned things don't hold the same potency they use to, and you have the tools you need within you, you are able to heal and soothe yourself more maturely and efficiently than you ever have before. You can put things into a much clearer perspective and you know how to move through the heartache with less damage to yourself. All of us will have one or more heartaches in our lifetime, it’s a part of our human experience and expansion.
No, it’s not pleasant and you may even become angry and resentful towards those that have wronged you, abused you, left you, or you may even attack the universe itself for taking someone away from you.
I learnt many wonderful things from my broken heart and one of them was how to love my own heart first. When you love your own heart, it can never be completely broken.
To understand this makes your human experience safer, happier and sounder.
The day my heart chose to break into a million pieces is the day I was finally set free.
No more hanging on like a floundering fish, no more enduring Satan's wrath, no more bandaging open bloody wounds, or constantly brushing lies under the filthy carpet.
It just broke.
And for that I’m grateful.
You must go through it, not around it.

One of the most liberating thoughts I repeat to myself when I’m immersed in grief and sadness is this:

I don’t need anyone or anything to make me happy. That job is all my own, with a little help from the universe.

When we are experiencing the intense pangs of grief, it is so difficult to trust that you can be whole without that person in your life. But I have learned over and over again that I can. I really can. It is my job to fill any emptiness, and I can do it … creatively, and with the help of my higher self - just as you can.

You must fill the void within yourself, without rushing into a new relationship if that was the cause. Or it may have been from abusing drugs, alcohol or becoming self destructive. You must essentially detach from your human vessel and step into your spiritual self. My spiritual father shared with me the Buddhist teachings that it is attachment which leads to our suffering. So the most direct path to happiness and peace is detachment. I don't mean coldness or having no feelings, I mean a healthy sense of your mission and place within the universe.
Self talk is a wonderful healer, what we say about ourselves to ourselves during heartbreak is vital. It’s absolutely essential if you have also suffered from slander and abuse.

I discovered a new love for myself when I accepted what had transpired, when I gave myself the kindness I deserved. I developed a whole new awareness of myself and what my limits were, what my boundaries were, what love meant to me.
We all have different love languages, we all have different needs, desires and life paths.
Nothing is forever, everything comes to an end, what's important is how you look after yourself during your human experience and decide what is good for your heart and acceptable from others regarding your most precious self.

Lastly, letting go of all the souls and all the things that chose not to stay, through their own story, with your love, acceptance and blessings is how we honour ourselves.
Saying goodbye to my own mother at 16 and my father later on was to be accepted even if it was not understood. Saying goodbye to those I loved at other times in my life has always been done with grace and understanding.

Love is patient; love is kind....

When you truly love someone set them free....

When she was 15, Malala Yousufzai was riding to school on a bus in Pakistan, when it was boarded by Taliban fanatics, who sought her out, and shot her. Her ‘crime’ was because she was a powerful advocate for girls to be educated.

Dangerously wounded, she was taken to England for life-saving surgery on her face. She suffered operation after operation, and for weeks was placed in an induced coma. But she recovered, and continued her work as an advocate for the right of girls to be educated.

Malala received the Nobel Peace Prize, and as a result of her experiences, wrote her amazing and spiritually uplifting autobiography -

“I Am Malala: The Girl Who Stood Up for Education and Was Shot by the Taliban.”

Remember this...
The works of many of our greatest Poets, writers and singers were born from the darkest of experiences. The most painful circumstances involving loss and betrayal. Overwhelmingly beautiful paintings in the museums are brushed with the blood of the broken heart. The greatest novels, some of the highest expression of humanity, were triggered by the fear of losing someone they love. Tragic and comic compositions often evolve from creative spirits reflecting on their own experiences. Tragic and romance novels make sense in our lives because they are expressions of the human experience. Art makes sense of life,

There is something in heartache that can turn each and every one of us into a bigger brighter star. I myself used my overwhelming pain in what my ex- did to me by putting pen to paper and creating my novel series Model Redress.
You may never know what amazing things you can create from your pain if you don’t open your mind to the possibilities and channel it; work with it rather than against it and turn it into something deep and moving. Take the negative energy by its throat and turn it on its axis with the magick you have within you; it will remove your pain from your system and make a creation from your situation, thus delivering you into a peaceful place.

We are all capable of this introspection and wisdom. We must create something beautiful from everything around us and within us.

~ mpowerusleeza~